


After Our War, How Will Love Speak?

by peaceloveandjocularity



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:35:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26054302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peaceloveandjocularity/pseuds/peaceloveandjocularity
Summary: Trapper finds Hawkeye in a Boston airport after the war ends. They take time to reconnect and heal.
Relationships: "Trapper" John McIntyre/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce/Louise McIntyre, "Trapper" John McIntyre/Louise McIntyre
Comments: 9
Kudos: 13





	After Our War, How Will Love Speak?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Maddie for making [ this post](https://horaetio.tumblr.com/post/622205293104857088/frank-ohara-homosexuality-mash-john) bc that's where I got the title from.

If you’d told Trapper that he’d reconnect with a dead man at the airport, he’d’a probably walked away. He was at the airport coming back from a conference when he’d heard that laugh, that god awful goose honk that danced in his dreams. Those were the dreams he loved to remember. It was the ones with familiar screams he longed to forget. But that honking, he always said he’d give anything to hear it one more time, and here it was. 

It couldn’t be Hawk, he knew that. Hawk died over a year ago. He never knew how, he never knew when and any time he tried to get through the phone lines, he always froze when he’d heard Radar’s voice on the other end. Part of it was the fear of knowing, part of it anger that no one’d called him. 

So he looked for that honking laugh just so he could tell them how much it meant to him and he’d frozen when he saw a shock of graying hair attached to a set of Class As. 

“Oh come on, Charles! It wasn’t that bad of a plane ride next to me!” 

Trapper froze, staring at the man that turned around to face him. 

“Trap?” Oh god it was him. It was really him. 

“You’re alive?” Trap rushed at him, pulling him into a hug. “You’re alive. You’re really alive.” He pulled back and stared at Hawkeye. “What the _fuck_ Hawkeye?” 

“What the fuck me? What the fuck you! You never left me a note, sent a letter, called me? What the fuck is that about?”

“I sent you a letter and it came back ‘recipient deceased.’ You were _dead_.” 

“Oh,” Hawkeye breathed. “That. I w— yes I was dead. Technically. Some clerical mistake or something. I— You sent me a letter?” 

Trap nodded, wiping the tears from his eyes. Trapper looked at Charles. “John McIntyre. Nice to meet you.” 

“I’m sure,” Charles said, shaking Trapper’s hand. “Charles Winchester III.” 

“Oh the third. Parents couldn’t think of any better names, Chuck?” 

Charles smiled a tight lipped smile and stepped back a bit. “That’s my cue to leave. Goodbye, Pierce. I hope I never have to see you again, but I’ll likely see you at whatever reunion soiree Hunnicutt manages to con us all into. Goodbye, Dr McIntyre.”

Hawkeye watched Charles disappear into the crowd before turning back to Trap. “It’s been a while, huh?” 

“Winchester. He thoracic?” 

“Yeah and he’s got an ego to match. He’s good though.” 

“Are you? Good, that is.” 

Hawk looked down at his suit and scrubbed at an invisible spot of dirt. “Yeah I’m fine.” 

“Fine ain’t good, Hawk.” 

“Yeah, well… it’s been a long three years. A lot’s happened since you came home.” 

Trapper looked at the bag by Hawk’s feet. “Three years and I doubt that’s all you’ve got. Let’s go get your footlocker. You’re comin’ home to meet the missus. How long before you’re heading up to Maine?” 

“I don’t know. My flight was delayed. That’s the army for you though. I thought about hitch hiking home.” 

“Nah, you’re coming home to meet the family. You can stay with us for a bit if you wanna, if not, I’ll drive ya home. The whole way.” 

Hawk grabbed his bag and hoisted it up onto his shoulder. “When’s this party leaving?” 

Which was how Hawk came to be sleeping in the middle of Trapper and Louise’s bed. Louise had insisted that he take a nap before supper. She’d seen the incredulous look on Trap’s face, but she’d heard them long before they entered the house. She could tell nearly instantly that this man meant the world to him and when she’d gotten a name, it all fell into place. 

“I found him in the airport, Lou. That stupid cackling laugh he does, I heard it an’ so I was goin to see who it was and kinda just… I dunno let them know what that laugh meant to me and it was him. There he was. I still can’t believe it Lou. I grieved over him. You know that. And now he’s here an’— I dunno.” 

Louise was preparing supper— a stew tonight. Trap walked up behind her and laid his chin on her shoulder. “What were you two like in Korea?” 

“He was my best friend, Lou. We did everything together. We caused so much trouble together. The majors _hated_ us.” 

“Lady chasing was part of it, I’m sure,” Louise said calmly. She’d long accepted the fact her husband had cheated on her in Korea but as far as she could tell, it hadn’t happened since he’d gotten home. 

Trap stared at the floor, ashamed. She was right and they both knew it. “Hasn’t happened since, I promise.” 

“Did it ever happen with Hawkeye?” Trap turned bright red at the thought but Louise was still calmly chopping vegetables. 

“I— No, he’s my best friend, Lou. That’s it.” 

She hummed. “Okay.” She scraped the celery into the pot and grabbed a bowl of potatoes she’d already washed. She moved quickly and efficiently around the kitchen and Trap did his best to just stay out of her way. “Can you grab me an onion, John?” She hummed as she peeled the potatoes and cubed them and scraped them into the pot. 

Trap watched her as she moved with as much efficiency as he had in OR. She never cut herself and her cuts were all clean. He knew her sewing skills too and she could probably rival him if she wanted. 

“How do you feel about Hawkeye? I mean genuinely how do you feel? Do you love him?” 

Trap ran a hand through his hair. “Course I love him Lou, he’s my best friend.” 

“Not what I mean, John. Think about it.” She moved around the kitchen, leaving him dumbfounded in the middle. “You’re gonna catch a fly with your mouth all agape like that.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek as she walked past. 

Becky and Kathy ran in the house, their hair plastered to their face with sweat. “Daddy you’re home!” 

“There’s my girls!” Trapper bent down and caught them as they launched themselves at him. They knocked him to the floor and Trap laughed as they jumped on top of him. “Easy, easy. Mama’s cooking. You don’t want anyone to get burned.” A noise sounded from upstairs and Trap eased the girls off him. “I’ll be right back, okay girls? Just gotta run upstairs quick.” 

He took off up the stairs and caught Hawk sitting upright in their bed. His hair was wild and his eyes wide. He was unbuttoning his jacket with shaking fingers. 

“You okay?” 

Hawk’s head whipped around to him. “Oh, god. Yeah I’m— I’m fine. Just a bad dream.”

“Wanna talk about it?” Trapper came in and sat on the edge of the bed. 

Hawk shook his head and shrugged his jacket off. “Just Korea. You know how it is. I still smell like Korea. Shit Trap, I’m sorry. I didn’t even— your sheets are gonna stink now. Just that lingering smell of death and nightmares.” 

“Lou and I can wash them. Are you okay? Really okay?” 

“I spent most of the last week with Sid in Seoul. My egg finally cracked,” he said quietly. “Three long years nearly killed me. And I nearly killed Igor in the process.” 

“Igor, how’d ya—”

“Drove a jeep through the officers club.” 

Trap knew Korea was bad but he’d only been over there thirteen months. Hawk was there for three years. “Where’d all your points go, Hawk? You were in Korea just a little while after me and you were there over twice as long. Did they erase your points when they reanimated you?” 

“Well anything for a good surgeon. They’d gotten rid of you and they couldn’t leave Beej by himself. Frank would kill more than he’d help. Charles wasn’t there yet. Or maybe they erased them to spite me. I don’t know.” Hawk hit Trap’s shoulder with his. “I’ve missed you. I was heartbroken when you left. No note, no letter, just a kiss from Radar. Radar? You couldn’t have even made it be Margaret?” 

“I tried but Hot Lips wouldn’t kiss me. I’m real sorry Hawk. I know it’s not much but I— I tried calling the 4077th and I got through a few times but I’d hear Radar’s voice and I’d get so upset, so _mad_ that no one even bothered to call me an’ tell me that I’d hang up on ‘im. I grieved for you, Hawk. I never thought in a million years that I’d ever see you again.” 

“I guess we’ve both had a rough few years.” 

Trap took Hawk’s coat and tossed it over to the dresser that was seemingly his. He pressed Hawk back to the mattress and laid back beside him. “Your nap wasn’t long enough. You still look tired.” 

“I’m perpetually tired. I was born tired. I’ll probably die tired. Also I’m not going to go back to sleep laying crossways on the bed.” 

Trap turned to look at Hawk. “Lou and I are gonna feed you enough to rival Radar tonight. That way if you leave, you at least put some weight on. Christ Hawk, what happened to ya?” 

“All liquor diet. Beej and I made some pretty potent stuff after you left. Mess tent food got worse. There was a whole week where I don’t think I ate any solids. They just pureed everything and that was that. Like baby food.” Hawkeye sat up. “Can I go take a shower?” 

“Sure. You want me to get you anything? Grab your clothes?” 

“I— mine are all dirty. I was just gonna put these back on.” 

“Get in the shower, Hawk. I’ll bring you some of mine. Me and Louise have our own bathroom in through here. Towels and washcloths in the cupboard. Yell to me if you need anythin’. I gotta get back downstairs and get the girls cleaned up for supper. You gonna be alright?” 

“I’m a big boy Trap. I can handle a shower. But I’ll make sure to call you if I get lonely,” he said with a wink. 

“Then stop lookin’ like a kicked puppy would ya?” Trapper rummaged through this dresser looking for clothes. A shirt, pair of shorts— “Hawk do you want underwear?” “No I’ll be fine.”— and Trapper brought them in the bathroom and set them on the counter. “Need anything else?” 

Hawk shook his head. “I’m fine, Trap. Really.” 

Trap gave him a sad smile. “Yeah, alright. See you in a bit.” He walked back into the bedroom and stripped the blanket off the bed. The sheets were untouched— Hawk had just laid on top of the blanket. He brought the blanket down to the laundry, skirting around the girls playing in the living room. He switched the laundry over to the dryer and tossed the blanket in. 

“John dear, what are you doing?” Louise came up to stand behind him. 

“Hawk felt guilty about making the blanket ‘smell like Korea’ so I’m washing it. It’s not that big a deal and it’ll give him some peace of mind.” 

Louise rubbed Trapper’s shoulders as he fiddled with the buttons to start it. “You really missed him, didn’t you?” 

“Well, gee, Lou. I thought he was _dead_. Yeah it does a toll on a guy seeing his not dead friend but Lou, that’s not the Hawk I knew in Korea.” 

Louise pulled Trapper into her arms. “Maybe this is just states Hawk. I’m sure you were all a lot different in Korea.” 

Trap shook his head. “No, Hawk was always so unapologetically Hawkeye. This Hawkeye’s broken and defeated and I don’t know how to help him.” Trap wiped his face with his hands. “He told me he did a stint with Sidney Freedman— that’s the psychiatrist— but he didn’t say what for. He just said he spent most of the last week with Sid and that his egg had cracked.” 

“Does that make him dangerous?” Lou asked, pulling back to look at Trapper. 

“Hawk’s only ever been a danger to himself. An’ he’s pretty good at that.” He sighed and pushed off the washing machine. “Hawk would rather die than hurt a good person. It’s part of his charm. He did give a colonel an appendectomy once even though he didn’t need it because he was trying to steal our penicillin. That’s— that’s Hawk. Steal from the rich, give to the poor and all that.” They stayed like that for a while until they heard someone walking down the steps. “That’s gotta be Hawk.” 

“Why don’t you get some of his laundry to toss in with the blanket? No need to run a whole load for that.” Louise kissed Trap before walking out and Trap followed her. 

“Hey Hawkeye,” Louise said as he turned down the stairs. “How’d that nap treat you?” 

“Well it wasn’t long enough, but it was the most restful sleep I’ve had in a while.” 

Trap knew that feeling. He also knew it would be weeks before Hawk would sleep through the night without a nightmare. That he’d scream and shake in the night because of terrors that weren’t there. He also figured Hawk was lying. Less than two hours was the most restful sleep he’d gotten? Unlikely. 

Trap noticed that Hawk was wearing pants instead of the shorts he’d laid out. It was hot and Hawk was insisting on covering up— Hawk who Trap had sat in a tent with in nothing but boxer shorts was now covered up from neck to toe. Trap’s clothes hung unnaturally on him. Trap had lost weight in Korea, but Hawk had taken it to a new level. This was malnutrition.

“Hey Hawk, I’m gonna go grab some of your laundry to wash. Anything you want washed in particular?” 

“You don’t—” 

“No, I know. I wanna.” 

“My robe?” This Hawkeye was quiet, didn’t overstep any perceived boundaries. Didn’t want to be a burden. 

“Yeah, let me go get your bag. Anything else?” 

Hawk shook his head and Trap walked outside to the car, grabbing the suitcase from Hawk’s footlocker. A stack of pictures fell out and Trapper scrambled to pick them up. A bunch of friendly faces, a few drunken generals, some Klinger outfits, and him. There was a photo of him right on the top of the pile. It was worn, faded but it was definitely him. The edges were worn and stained with fingerprints. This was… Hawk treasured this photo. It was well loved as far as he could tell. 

He picked the photos up and set them carefully in the footlocker. Now was his time to get nosy—should he do it? He peeked in the footlocker. Lots of books, a couple magazines, a few more photographs and Hawk’s Hawaiian shirt, folded carefully. An abandoned knitting project, half ripped out, the yarn still ragged where Hawk hadn’t rewrapped it— a cardigan for a toddler maybe? Hawk had a few different balls of yarn, all carefully wrapped into a ball. A stack of letters bound with twine was nestled in the side, a box of Frank’s bullets— two boxes of Frank’s bullets— a pair of underwear, lacy and red _(wait is that Klinger’s?)_ , a blue bra that was _definitely_ Klinger’s, and a stack of old Crabapple Cove newspapers. 

Trap packed the footlocker back the way it was and lifted the suitcase. He carried it in the house and immediately brought it through to the laundry. Hawk silently hovered behind him as Trapper loaded his clothes into the washing machine. “What can I do to help you, Hawk?” Trapper looked around at Hawkeye; his eyes were wild. 

“I don’t need—” 

“Don’t lie to me.” Trapper measured out the soap and dumped it in the washer, closed the lid, and turned it on. He leaned back against the washer and crossed his arms. “You seem to forget I know what it’s like to come home. You wanna go into my office and we can talk?” Hawk nodded. “C’mon.” Hawk loomed behind Trapper as they walked upstairs to the office. “You can take the chair.” 

Hawk sat in the chair and looked at Trapper’s desk. There were some photos on his desk. It didn’t look like there was much paperwork that he did in his office but there was a few books tossed haphazardly on the surface. Hawk looked at the pictures— a family portrait, Trap’s parents? A picture of him. There was a picture of him on Trap’s desk. It was worn and folded a bit. 

Hawkeye picked up the frame and traced the outside of the frame. “Where’d you get this picture?” 

“I don’t know where it’s from but Radar gave it to me before I left. I kept it in my wallet for a while. Framed it after you died. Maybe it’s from a party or somethin’. I don’t know.” Trapper looked at Hawkeye’s gaunt face. “What happened to ya, Hawk? Talk to Uncle Trapper.” 

Hawkeye had started to tear up but a wet sob burst from his lips. “That won’t work on me, seeing as I’m your wife in this scenario.” 

“Alright then, talk to me honey.” 

Hawkeye searched his memory. _Oh god, where to start?_ “I missed you.” That was safe enough for now. 

“I missed you too. C’mon Hawk, you know you can tell me anythin’. Start with last week— why were ya with Sid?” Trapper watched Hawk lose all color. “Alright maybe not that then.” 

“A baby died. It was my fault. Except it wasn’t? Apparently it seems I have a quite the talent for repressing memories. I almost operated on a kid without anesthesia. Something repression, something smother. Then I drove a jeep into the officers club.” He paused. “It all made sense at the time.” 

“Christ,” Trapper whispered. 

“We were coming back from the beach at Inchon and we had to pull over and stay silent so enemy troops didn’t find us. And this baby wouldn’t stop crying and I told her— I told the mother to shut him up.” Hawkeye’s nails started to bite into his arm. “And she did. And I repressed the memory pretty well until Sid got digging around in my head. Then they sent me back to Uijeongbu for the last stretch of the war. Of course my new best friend left me without a goodbye only _he_ came to the psych ward to not say goodbye. And then he came back because the army screwed him over. He’s in California now, probably getting to know his daughter. She’s two. He was heading home in time to celebrate her birthday when the army rescinded his travel orders.” Hawk looked down at where his nails had broken skin. “I almost didn’t make it to Boston, you know.” 

Trapper looked at Hawk— too thin, too gray. He didn’t have to ask what he meant, he knew. “I’m so sorry Hawk. I wish I could take it all back and bring you home with me. I tried to reach ya. I gave Radar a whole list’a places to call looking for you. You weren’t anywhere. I think Frank planned it that way, the little worm. What’s he up to now?” 

“Got a trip home on a psych after he attacked a general because he lost his marbles when Margaret got married.” 

“Hot Lips is married? Good for her,” Trap said. “Good for her.” 

“She was. Turns out generals cheat and Margaret didn’t want to be a hostess for his mistresses.” 

Trap let out a tense breath. “Can’t blame her for that.” 

“Yeah,” Hawk said quietly. “She was there the whole time, too. And Klinger. Father Mulcahy.” Hawkeye’s eyes were drooping tiredly as he leaned forward onto the desk. To Trap, it all looked very reminiscent of Henry but he wasn’t about to say that. 

“You can go back to sleep if ya wanna, Hawk. Lord knows my sleepin’ was so off kilter when I first got home. I was taking naps all the time. Drove Kathy and Becky nuts— I was finally back home and just didn’t have the energy to do anything with ‘em.” 

_But the nightmares. Do they stop?_

“Drove Lou a bit crazy too but she understood.” Trap stood up and reached out his hand for Hawkeye to take. “Come on, Hawk. At least come lay down on the bed and rest, even if you don’t sleep. It’s still some time ’til supper.” 

Hawkeye grabbed Trapper’s hand and pulled himself up, half leaning on him. Trapper’s stomach lurched for a second— they’d never been this touchy-feely unless they were drunk… and that never seemed this intimate. 

Hawk’s body was pressed against his side, his whole arm touching Trapper’s. Trap just looked down at them. He led Hawk back to his and Louise’s bedroom and sat him down on the bed. “C’mon Hawk. Rest.” 

“Can you sit with me?” 

Trap sat down and Hawkeye scooched closer, pressing their entire bodies together as Hawk laid on Trap’s shoulder. Trap swallowed. “You always been so… tactile?” 

Hawkeye looked up at him and pushed off. “Sorry.” He’d gotten used to BJ just allowing the closeness, if not aching for it too. He forgot Trap wasn’t like that. 

“ ’s okay.” 

“Yeah,” Hawk said, curling up on his side. His eyes were drooping fast and Trapper rest a hand on Hawk’s thigh. 

“I’ll wake you for supper, ‘kay?” 

Hawk nodded slightly. “I’ll be awake before then.” 

“Rest easy, Hawk.”

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr!
> 
>   
>  [@welcometokorea](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/welcometokorea)  
> [@peaceloveandjocularity](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/peaceloveandjocularity)  
> [@requiemforalightweight](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/requiemforalightweight)
> 
> Also pls leave comments bc i thrive on validation.


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